Today was the last day of school.
My freshman year finally ended. The entire two semesters felt long, but short. I can’t explain it, I think you know what I mean though.
While I’m glad it’ll be completely over in a couple weeks, I know I’ll miss my freshman year. Sure, I didn’t do much besides eat and read your blogs, but this year really challenged my inner strength. University is not like high school at all, and it was really hard for me to adapt to it at first. Especially when I started the year with a ‘break-up’ ( it wasn’t exactly a break up, but I don’t know what else to call it). My schedule was all over the place. Sometimes I’d be sleeping at eleven, most times in the AM at like 3 or 4, sometimes not even sleeping at all. I failed something for the first time ever and it shattered me. All the assignments and readings I had to keep up with on my own. Everything just felt so out of place, and I felt like I lost all control over my life. Even I felt out of place at school, I didn’t know what I wanted to do for a long long time and that really stressed me out. I felt so out of place at school, so I took a courses from each faculty. But that didn’t help at all. I knew I liked food and I wanted to go to culinary/baking school, but that was out the question.
I pushed through though, because I wasn’t going to let myself fail any of my courses or lose myself in a sea of doubt and hopelessness. I knew and I know I’m better than to let myself completely slip away. And that’s the mindset I held onto to survive my first year.
I’ve come a long way even though it’s only been a year. After a lot of debate with myself, I finally figured out what I want to study and what I be. I have a regular sleeping pattern now because the lack of sleep really dampened my ability to think properly and feel good about myself. I haven’t failed anything else after the first experience, but I still have a quite a way to go before my grades are acceptable. I have learned to forgive myself if I don’t spend my time wisely or study as hard as I expected to. I did that all throughout first semester, constantly telling myself I was stupid and dumb and lazy. I realize now though, how damaging it is to my mind and body when I’m constantly regretting things or blaming myself.
Somtimes (ok actually most of the time), I still engage in rumination and feeling regret, but it’s what I’m accustomed to doing. It’s not going to be easy, but with time I’ll rid myself of that habit. Regret keeps me from taking risks.
I wish I could just stop time. I feel like I’m being propelled forwards into the future whether I’m ready or not. I’m going to miss the strange faces I first met on the bus that have grown more familiar day by day. It’s weird; I feel like I know those people because I see them on the bus everyday at the same time. I’m going to miss my math professor because she didn’t only teach, she actually made the effort to get to step over the professor-student barrier and get to know me. I’m going to miss the friends I have made in class/on the bus/in long line-ups. Time is going by so quickly. Next thing you know, I’ll be graduating and out in the real world with a job.
With all this heavy talk, I’m glad the sun is shining outside right now. I don’t know how, but the sun has its ways of turning my whole day around when I’m feeling down. Doesn’t matter if I’m feeling downright depressed that nothing is going the way I want it to. Once the sun comes out, my entire perspective about the future, myself, and my relationships with people changes, and I feel uplifted. It’s like the sun evaporates all the worries and fears out of me with its beams when they cast a warm glow on my skin. Everything falls in place momentarily when the sun shines and I can finally slow down my frenetic pace to catch my breath and just, breathe.