Raspberry Chocolate Dutch Baby

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I want to share a personal story with you today. It’s about vulnerability and relationships.

Normally, I avoid talking about debbie-downer stuff on my blog but I feel that I should share the good and bad with you. This blog means a lot to me and I want to give you the chance to know me better. 

To give you some background, I need to take you back to 4 years ago. It was 2010 and I was in my senior year in highschool. I was in great relationship that I thought would never end. I know what you’re thinking, “naive” just popped up in your head, didn’t it? OK, maybe I was being naive, but at the time I felt so much trust in the relationship that I didn’t think we would ever break up. There were no mind games, no jealousy, no pretending to be someone we weren’t. It was pretty easy going and we enjoyed just being in each others company. I guess I also felt really secure because he chose me to share his thoughts and emotions with when he was usually a really reserved guy. 

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As special as that felt, things started to stale. I got sick of always being the one to initiate texts and phone calls so I stopped doing it. A couple days went by and I didn’t hear from him at all. A week went by and we entered the first week of university, still nothing. I packed up my pride and called him. We did a lot of small talk, I crafted numerous ways of asking “how is school and life?” because I was too afraid to bring up what was really plaguing my mind for the last week. He, too, danced masterfully around the topic. After about 3 hours, I bursted it out, “What is happening with us, where are we going?” And to my dismay, he replied, “Nowhere.” 

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When I asked if we could talk about it in person but he said that he was too busy studying for a French quiz. I only wanted 30 minutes of his time, but he couldn’t even give that up to explain things face to face. Afterwards, I sent him an angry text saying that I had the right to hear all of this in person and that he was being a coward. He never responded and we never saw each other ever again, especially since he was so good at darting in the opposite direction every time he saw me around campus. What made me angry the most was the fact that I had to call him to bring it up. If I didn’t call, he probably thought he could just drop everything and leave without an explanation. 

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Long story short, I went through a spectrum of emotions that lasted 2 years. I was heartbroken, then angry, then confused and I held on to the “what if” for a long long time. I finally snapped out of it when one of my bestest friends, P-, spent HOURS talking to me to help me dissect my feelings. She wanted to help me realize why exactly I was holding on, so that I can finally let go. And it worked. 

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After that, I spent 2 more years building walls around me. I told myself I never ever want to feel that heartbroken and vulnerable ever again. And I decided that the only way to prevent that from happening again is to not let anyone get too close and also to be the one who cares less. I got really good at that doing that and slowly I built some indestructible walls around my heart. Don’t know when this next step happened but I went from “self protection mode” to “commitophobe mode”. 

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Recently, a friend has been talking to me a lot about the dynamics of relationships and asked me why I haven’t given dating a serious try again. Then she told me something about vulnerability that I never gave thought to: the strengths of being vulnerable. One point in particular stuck with me and that is being vulnerable means you can feel the good things as intensely as the bad things. “By keeping yourself from feeling and by holding yourself back, you’re also keeping out the good things in life”, she said. To which I responded, “Good point.” 

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This was some very timely advice because I had just met someone. This time, I decided to take a leap of faith instead of looking for exits. The windows in my walls were opening up, making me vulnerable once again. But guess what, he too just walked out on me with no warning and no explanation. Does this remind you of anything? It was like my life just replayed exactly what happened 4 years ago. I’m embarrassed to say this but I was really upset. The first time I decided to put myself out there and feel vulnerable again… and I was greeted with that same awful experience. My windows shut closed and my walls rebuilt faster than ever. I’ll probably spend the next 4 years shutting myself out again. 

For those of you who are also “commitophobes”, what is holding you back?

For those of you who are in relationships, what do you love about it?

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Raspberry Chocolate Dutch Baby

2/3 cup low-fat milk (I didn’t have any fresh milk so I used skim milk made from powder and it worked just fine)
2 large eggs, plus 1 large egg white, at room temperature
2 tbsp granulated sugar 
2 tbsp unsalted butter, melted, divided
1 tbsp pure vanilla extract
1 tsp vanilla bean paste (I swear by Nielsen Massey)
2/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 tsp baking powder
11/4 tsp salt 

Position a rack in the center of the oven and preheat oven to 425 degree F.  Place a 10-inch ovenproof skillet in oven to heat.

In a blender, combine milk, eggs and egg whites, sugar, 1 tablespoon of the butter, vanilla extract, and vanilla bean paste.  Blend until smooth, about 1 minute.  Add flour, baking powder, and salt and blend for 30 seconds more.

Remove skillet from oven.  Pour the remaining butter into the hot pan and swirl to coat evenly.  Pour in batter.  Bake until Dutch baby is puffed and golden, 30 to 35 minutes.  Best eaten asap!

Recipe from the Pure Vanilla cookbook

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5 thoughts on “Raspberry Chocolate Dutch Baby

  1. Brittany says:

    I applaud you for opening up with this personal story!! You had touched on this topic at times in comments you’ve left on my blog, but never in detail. I can completely understand your walls and fear of being vulnerable. I am almost at the one year mark since my split with my last boyfriend and I still struggle at times. It’s bizarre really. I still have no desire to be in a relationship, and perhaps that’s a good thing. It’s in these times we really discover who we are. There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable though, and I think it’s great you let your walls down even if just for a moment. People are going to do things we don’t always understand, it’s part of life. How we react to them is what makes us strong. You will find that special person, but probably when you least expect it!! Don’t forever hold your walls high though, life is too short!

    Until then, keep making delicious treats and discovering who you are as an individual!

    • Thanks Britt! I hesitated posting this because I didn’t want everyone knowing this story bout me. I was also afraid about what my peers will think of me.

      When I revisited your blog today to read the post about you and your ex, it gave me the courage to finally post my own story.

      I completely agree with that you said. I’m glad I had these crucial molding and exploration years all to myself. Because I was single, I was able to grow as an individual and become me in my truest form. I had all the time to myself to do the things that are important to me like discover and pursue dietetics and work on this blog of mine.

      Thanks for your support and encouragement, you’re one of the most mentally and emotionally strong people I know! So glad to have you around in my little blogisphere 🙂

  2. GIRL! You poor thing. I have had my fair of AWFUL relationship experiences (I have been stood up by at least 4 different guys, I’ve been the girl guys go to when they have no one else, I dated a guy for 4 years and he cheated multiple times and ended up leaving me for someone else….but then consistently calling me and telling me we were gonna get back together. MIIIIND GAAAAAMES)! But, even through all of that, I never built up walls. I always dove headfirst into new relationships. Was I a little too trusting? Probably. But did I also find the perfect guy who told me he loved me after 2 days and did I go with it and are we now engaged (almost 5 years later)? YES! Your friend was right–you can’t let those horrible guys win by prolonging your upsetness. Being vulnerable-while scary-is important! And if you just hide yourself away and never let yourself try or love again….what’s the point? Eventually the pain of that will catch up to you and that will be it’s own brand of horrible, because you’ll realize that you didn’t have to be alone. You COULD have been happy. There are no guarantees. You might have to find some more duds and get hurt more along the way. But, when you are finally in a good relationship with the RIGHT guy who would never ever just walk out on you….it will be worth it!

    • oh my gosh!! that sounds terrible!! but im so impressed that you didn’t give up on love even after all those awful experiences. if you did, you never would’ve met your fiance! oh i didn’t even know you got engaged, belated congratulations!!! btw that story about how he said “i love you” 2 days in, SO CUTE 🙂

      i wish i could be more like you, but i’ve always lived on the more cautious side of life. maybe one day when i meet someone who’s trustworthy..

      • lol thank you!

        I completely understand-in every other way I’m extremely cautious too. But I’m a hopeless romantic-I feel like love is worth all the risks 😛

        You’ll get there! You def. don’t need to rush yourself, though. If it’s right and you’re open to it…it’ll just happen 🙂

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