Category Archives: In My Head

Here comes the waterworks

Soooo… I GOT ACCEPTED INTO DIETETICS!!!!!

I was so happy when I got my acceptance email that I started crying immediately… at work… in front of new coworkers… and I didn’t give a bleep. My friend caught the video of me and I will be forever thankful because that was probably the best moment of my life.

How weird was it for you to finally hear my voice? Ahaha! Was it as you imagined it to be?

Two thoughts after I watched the video:

1. I need to lay off the cake and cookies.

2. 20/5?!?!?! What was I thinking?!?!? It was more like 200000000000000000/5

You guys were some of the first people to hear about my anxiety and nervousness about applying to dietetics. About two years ago, I wrote this post where I fully expressed my self-loathing and feelings of unpreparedness. I hated myself for wasting time and not doing more (volunteering/working etc) to get into the program.

Over these past two years, I kept looking back to that post to remind myself of how bad it felt to be angry at myself. It served as a strong reminder and it was my fuel to keep going because I didn’t want to feel regret ever again. You guys gave me a lot of support and good advice which helped me get through a lot of struggles. Thank you. So so so so so much. I’m really glad to be able to share this good news with you.

I’ve been thinking of ways to reward myself for accomplishing this long-time goal of mine. Cookbook? Nope. Valrhona chocolate? Nah. New set of glass mixing bowls? No. Clothes? Nuh-uh. Not even a new KitchenAid mixer will make me happy because I realized I want something more than materialistic objects.

This ‘something’ that I have been craving is self-worth. For years I have been telling myself that I’m ‘not skinny enough’, ‘not tall enough’, ‘not smart enough’, ‘not pretty’, ‘not deserving of dietetics because there are probably people out there who are so much better’, and the list goes on. I have deprived myself of acknowledgement and compliments because I was afraid that too much confidence would get to my head. I constantly put myself down to stay grounded and continually work towards being better. I was my own and only competitor. I never let myself enjoy any successes because I am a strong believer that there is always more to learn. It’s been really tiring because I never gave myself the chance to stop and look at how far I’ve come. For me, it was always go go go go go, do more, see more, be more. All I want to do is now is to sit back and enjoy the view from here before I start climbing again. 

I’m crying as I’m writing this right now because it feels so liberating to finally tell myself that I AM good enough. I set a goal to become a dietitian, I overcame the pressures of competition, I didn’t let my skeptical parents bring me down, and I thrived through the difficulties of balancing school, volunteering and work. Most importantly, I never lost sight of my goal, even though it took me 3 years to get here.

I did it. I’m finally on my way to become a dietitian and I’ve never been happier. 

 

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Reflections on my freshman year

Today was the last day of school.

My freshman year finally ended. The entire two semesters felt long, but short. I can’t explain it, I think you know what I mean though.

While I’m glad it’ll be completely over in a couple weeks, I know I’ll miss my freshman year. Sure, I didn’t do much besides eat and read your blogs, but this year really challenged my inner strength. University is not like high school at all, and it was really hard for me to adapt to it at first. Especially when I started the year with a ‘break-up’ ( it wasn’t exactly a break up, but I don’t know what else to call it). My schedule was all over the place. Sometimes I’d be sleeping at eleven, most times in the AM at like 3 or 4, sometimes not even sleeping at all. I failed something for the first time ever and it shattered me. All the assignments and readings I had to keep up with on my own. Everything just felt so out of place, and I felt like I lost all control over my life. Even I felt out of place at school, I didn’t know what I wanted to do for a long long time and that really stressed me out. I felt so out of place at school, so I took a courses from each faculty. But that didn’t help at all. I knew I liked food and I wanted to go to culinary/baking school, but that was out the question.

I pushed through though, because I wasn’t going to let myself fail any of my courses or lose myself in a sea of doubt and hopelessness. I knew and I know I’m better than to let myself completely slip away. And that’s the mindset I held onto to survive my first year.

I’ve come a long way even though it’s only been a year. After a lot of debate with myself, I finally figured out what I want to study and what I be. I have a regular sleeping pattern now because the lack of sleep really dampened my ability to think properly and feel good about myself. I haven’t failed anything else after the first experience, but I still have a quite a way to go before my grades are acceptable. I have learned to forgive myself if I don’t spend my time wisely or study as hard as I expected to. I did that all throughout first semester, constantly telling myself I was stupid and dumb and lazy. I realize now though, how damaging it is to my mind and body when I’m constantly regretting things or blaming myself.

Somtimes (ok actually most of the time), I still engage in rumination and feeling regret, but it’s what I’m accustomed to doing. It’s not going to be easy, but with time I’ll rid myself of that habit. Regret keeps me from taking risks.

I wish I could just stop time. I feel like I’m being propelled forwards into the future whether I’m ready or not. I’m going to miss the strange faces I first met on the bus that have grown more familiar day by day. It’s weird; I feel like I know those people because I see them on the bus everyday at the same time. I’m going to miss my math professor because she didn’t only teach, she actually made the effort to get to step over the professor-student barrier and get to know me. I’m going to miss the friends I have made in class/on the bus/in long line-ups. Time is going by so quickly. Next thing you know, I’ll be graduating and out in the real world with a job.

With all this heavy talk, I’m glad the sun is shining outside right now. I don’t know how, but the sun has its ways of turning my whole day around when I’m feeling down. Doesn’t matter if I’m feeling downright depressed that nothing is going the way I want it to. Once the sun comes out, my entire perspective about the future, myself, and my relationships with people changes, and I feel uplifted. It’s like the sun evaporates all the worries and fears out of me with its beams when they cast a warm glow on my skin. Everything falls in place momentarily when the sun shines and I can finally slow down my frenetic pace to catch my breath and just, breathe.

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I’m Back!!

Hi y’all! I’m back from the seattle and boy do I wish i wasn’t.

I gotta say, it was one of the best weekends i’ve ever had. It was so relaxed and I felt so carefree. It was nice, really nice.

The best part was just being able to hang out with some of my closest friends. I’ve known some of them since elementary school! We all moved from the same playground to the same high school jungle to the same university dungeon. I’m so so lucky to have them go through everything with me. So even though we didn’t do anything super exciting, just having their company was more than good enough for me.

This was the first time any of us have ever gone on a road trip sans family and we all agreed it was a REALLY good weekend.

All in all, seattle treated me well.

Our first stop, the public market. Location of the bestest (and most expensive) pink lady apples ever.

We went to the first starbucks ever and there were some cool people jamming out on their banjos.

Refuelling with some mcdicks.

Can you guess where we were from my expression? THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY. That place makes me grin like an idiot

The gang. we’re cool, don’t judge.

My dish from the cheesecake factory. MMmmmm

Then we checked into the hotel. I was still grinning like an idiot

In the hotel we danced. My moves are pretty awesome eh? (HA) Do you dance with your fruit?

Then we got tired of dancing so we gave each other roles from the movie inception. Guess who’s the lucky gal who got “the victim” =.=

Dancing and working inception roles made us hungry. To red lobster we went! Too bad there aren’t any in Vancouver. We pretended it was William’s birthday. Don’t look at me like you’ve never done it! It’s fun!

Their biscuits were so good we took some for the ride home. Highlarious

We were stuffed after lunch so we saved our cheesecake for a late night snack! There was cheesecake as far as the eye can see

I just really wanted to eat my cheesecake and stop taking pictures

Day 2, apple #2

We finished our weekend in Seattle high school musical style.

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